Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
