I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
