Whatcha textin bout Willis?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
