You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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