My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
