Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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