Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
