I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
