Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
