Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
