between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
