btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
