the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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