I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
