our cab driver is having phone sex.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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