aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Congratulations! We have a period
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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