Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
