I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
