We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
