tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
