It's like God shit irony all over that family
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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