It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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