Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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