Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
