I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
