Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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