apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
