I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
