so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize