the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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