mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
