Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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