we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
