I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
50% drunk capacity currently
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
