someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
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