Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize