I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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