someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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