he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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