we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
