I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
