She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
