My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
