Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
