I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
