At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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