Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
