dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
