Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
