oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
