I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
