I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
