the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize