I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
