it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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