I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
