Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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