sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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